SHOULD YOU STAY TOGETHER FOR THE KIDS?.. something in the air..

Life's about timing not time. I remember thinking that watching that film with Brad Pitt where he was born old and became young and died as a baby, literally in his lover's arms.   Almost overwhelmingly tragic it struck me how at least for some of their 'time' they got their timing right.    There's been a spate of celebrity break ups, but not short term, no kid variety, more long term, both sensible types, pragmatic, with older kids variety. Seal and Klum, Depp and Paradis.  Everyone who has time to waste must be eyeing up Pitt and Jolie although they seem to smile through it and I'm not sure if anyone any longer cares or believes in the Beckhams. There is a reason that lady doesn't smile a lot.     I'm always sceptical about the depth and truth of any of these relationship brands because that is essentially what they become whether the couple are genuinely in love or every time they are in each other's company and they see the face and hear the voice they want to rip the throat out.  

I was called by BBC Radio Kent to talk about a blog I wrote for netmums about parents choosing to stay together for their kids.  My parents stayed together for me although they both had the opportunity to go elsewhere, ironically when I was about three, although I never found that out until my father died.   "We had a little three year girl to look after." my mother simply said.

The netmums response to my blog, which was based on research I've done for my next novel THE INFIDELITY BIBLE,  was that parents should not stay together because the parents are unhappy the kids know it.  And that if there is physical abuse they definitely should not stay together.   With the second I agree whole heartedly.  Emotional abuse is EXTREMELY common in middle class functionally looking families.   So many sociopaths who seem completely blameless and take it out on their families and partners but as far as the world is concerned they are a good parent and partner when its not the case. This relationship should also be walked away from but is harder to do because there's no physical abuse to go with it, and I feel our culture (British culture) isn't emotionally open (as in the States where shrinks are bought off the supermarket shelf) or intelligent enough (as in France say where you only need to read their literature or watch their cinema to realise they have an understanding of tragedy and life we do not want, wish or feel we need to comprehend) to deal with the impact of emotional abuse.  All my novels are to do with emotional abuse of one kind or another - in the playground, the office, the gym, the work place, the marriage, the divorce, between father and son, mother and daughter.  I am sure people could add more and in researching the novel I've heard stories where parents should not have broken up, they should have moved to different countries. In some cases, they did.


For those who follow the blog, you will know that I don't always get on with my ex.   I try, he tries but the trying doesn't happen at the same time, which brings me back to my first comment - life is about timing.   We both have our separate issues and usually it doesn't matter because one of us can always stand back and think 'this is their stuff, nothing to do with me, walk away.'  And sometimes you both have stuff.   And then you row.  And then you may row in front of the children.  And then when the good parent becomes the bad one.   Just for that moment they become a bad one, but that moment sticks with the child (I know it does, I've researched it and the 'expert's say it does), and often stays with them into adulthood, when in their forties their 'stuff' hidden away is so full they explode.  Mid life crisis, breakdown, call it what you will, it happens.  And just in time for hormonal changes too!. Whoopee!  See timing again.  

The book/film The Bridges of Madison County captures this perfectly.   First time I watched it I cried and wondered why Meryl Streep didn't go off with Clint Eastwood. This wonderful National Geographic Photographer who could show this unappreciated mum and wife the world.  Her husband doesn't beat her emotionally or physically he is just, well, dull (I think they call it passive aggressive these days).    I watched it this week I realised she did it for her kids.    And Clint's timing was crap.

So what to do?   Knowing that our actions have an impact on our kids (nothing new there) and that parenting is not a science it's instinct and that we all should do and try and probably most of us do do and try our best (nothing new there), and men are prone to infidelity (yes true) and to denial (true) and women are bored by men because they are, well, boring (true), especially when they have been married to them for a long time, how the hell do you make relationships work?  

Get your timing right.   And put the kids first.   The second is easier than the first.    And oh yes, find a hobby.