THE WORK OF CROSSWAYS

I recently interviewed a lady who told me about the work of a local charity called Crossways. Based not far from me in Richmond Upon Thames, it's an organisation that I feel more women should know about - hence I'm writing about it now and will do so for other outlets.    And I will twitter about it.  There should be more like Crossways around the country.

I write a lot about motherhood, the playground mafia, the life enhancing and challenging realities of motherhood, albeit under the guise of fiction, and at the moment I'm researching much more in depth about the whole issue of what it is to be a mother. The media box mothers into groups, tribes, types, stereotypes, - I've even done it myself - but the reality is we are a little bit of everything - not the extreme that we are portrayed as. But the way the media works it has to construct something rather than mirror something for us to watch and be 'entertained'.

Celebrity mums are sound bite mums, you see the snap shots of them, good and bad but not the the whole story and no fly on the wall documentary does justice to the role of motherhood.  The role is just too big and is made too slight or too much of and patronised, so it becomes mishappen and unrecognisable.    There's a few films such as Parenthood which touch upon it's idiosycracies, well observed about single parenting of teenagers, which made me appreciate I didn't have girls but also regret I didn't have more.  But how about those women who don't want to be a mother or can't be a mother?  From those I have interviewed in that situation, the more one is told you can't be a mother, the more you want to be.   I am sure it is different for all women, but the ones I have met and interviewed express this view.   I am of the view that motherhood isn't for everyone and sometimes those who are able to become mothers shouldn't necessarily do so, and others who unfortunately aren't able to, would make wonderful mothers.   These women are nurturing, selfless, balanced, joyful, realistic, pragmatic, caring. And they watch other mothers who are blinkered, spoilt, sociopathic, bullies to their children.   And I understand the 'it isn't fair' and 'why' written in their eyes.   It becomes an obsession, that question.   The 'why?' or 'why me?'.

So Crossways, although a very small charity does a very big job.  It doesn't tackle little issues, or even big physical issues like the big C.  Put very simplistically it's role is to do with the choice of being a mother and the support needed to help you decide if you should become a mother.  Or if you have tried and you can't.   The weight of this responsibility and role as listener, compassionate and impartial, words well chosen, must be immense but as she talked me through the processes, the stages one goes through of grief, denial, anger, forgiveness, acceptance, it struck me how so many things in life go through the same process. Loss in all it's forms, be it of bereavement, divorce, abortion, miscarriage, even splitting up with the boyfriend.  The ups and downs and emotions swings are normal and sometimes it's just realising that they are 'normal' that helps someone not to move on, but to understand.  I wouldn't be able to do this job and I have so much admiration for those who work for this charity.

Crossways hopes to provide more help for single parents (of which there are increasing number in the UK) and expand their role within schools, educating children about self esteem. They already do a great deal of work in local schools which has been well received and hopefully will decrease the number of single parents in the future, although nothing is guaranteed.   Sex education is really about teaching self esteem not about sex.

The feedback forms she showed me from women who have visited the centre are very moving.   Some had had to deal with the emotional consequences and decisions around miscarriages or terminations by themselves, not telling anyone, or worse, they chose to tell those they trusted and effectively acted  as 'witnesses for the prosecution', so gave them more stuff - their stuff (guilt, anger, denial) to deal with than they needed or deserved.

Crossways is about helping women to make choices and help them to understand why they are making them and that it is their choice and not something that has been forced upon them.     Their email is info@crosswaypregnancy.org.uk and website is www.crosswaypregnancy.org.uk