Airports seem to have the most systems, terminals, compartments, schedules, extortionate parking facilities and traffic systems designed to aggravate the customer, or this customer. They are glorified waiting rooms, some of which are glamorous, designed to make you spend money you don't have on things you don't want for people you don't like.
The TV series Come Fly With Me probably comes closer to the truth of airport life than Airport or any of those fly on the wall programmes do. An Ecuadorian Embassy must be civilized compared to the Moscow airport where, alleged spy Edward Snowden is currently in residence. He must be suffering from depression having spent nearly two weeks in one. Being able to see the outside world, knowing that he's stuck there, not knowing when he's due to leave must be a miserable experience - and I guarantee this Summer there will be a lot of you out there who will be doing exactly the same thing at airports around the world because of air traffic control - or lack of it.
So I surprised myself when I accepted an invite to spend a day at an airport albeit one that has been given numerous awards for being the 'best in Europe'. It’s not in the UK of course – it’s Schiphol in Amsterdam. I would never willingly and knowingly spend any more time than I would sanely need to in an airport but this airport is the most environmentally friendly airport in the world, and with over 51 million people walk through it's terminals every year, six runways, and numerous other statistics about how many miniature windmills, clogs and tulips are sold every day it looks good on paper. And it is now offering guided tours from 15 euros for adults, 7.50 euros for children, so you can see behind the scenes for yourself. The multimedia tour takes you to the fire station, the snow fleet, the airplane hangers and for plane spotters and five to nine year olds it’s the ideal birthday present.
I flew from Heathrow Terminal Four on the 6.30am with the business types who sit in quiet contemplation, despite the relative civility of business and first class, looking jaded by the experience. The traffic on the M4 was rubbish so I ended up in Short Term car park, the best way to burn money needlessly. I got lost in the lift as there were no signs saying which level was departures (it’s four). My flight left on time. Travel insurance doesn’t cover things like getting lost in lifts.
A 45 minute flight from London Heathrow to Schiphol, the airport deals with mainly transfers to long haul destinations and having spent the day there as a transfer airport, this place fits purpose beautifully. It’s been proven that a short haul journey followed by a long one is preferable to having two middling journeys. Ideally, one long journey is preferable to both, but if you’ve got to have a break, it’s an excellent airport to choose – if you have that choice.
So what does the ‘best’ offer that makes it different from the rest? Loads of space and light that compares well to Stansted, families are well catered for though most of the airport’s business is business. It has a baby care room which reminds me of one of those up market romantic restaurants where all the tables are set behind semi transclucent silk curtains and very well maintained play areas, although I find it odd the airports around the world offering the best facilities for children, have the least need for them.
There's a large lounge area with a large screen and very comfortable reclining chairs reminding me of that room in the film Soylent Green, set in the future where everyone goes to a room and looks at a screen of beautiful scenes with tinky tinky music before they are sent off to die. Perhaps they need to change that bit, at least for the ones who have seen that particular film.
Other unusual or quirky facilities that differ from the norm? There’s a casino which has a clock and sign showing departure times so you don’t lose your flight as quickly as you lose your money. Perhaps they should make that exclusive entry to business people who work in the financial sector and lose the clock.
There is a deep sleep area in the KLM Crown Lounge which consists of a series of about twenty cubicles with a simple reclining couch set in near darkness. I initially thought it said ‘deep heat’ across between sauna, steam room and treatment for aching limbs. That room would be useful. I was advised passengers choose to sleep here if they are in between transfers or have decided to turn up a few hours early, or their flight has been delayed. You need an alarm. You will miss your flight if you enter this room although I was not provided with the number of passengers who had missed their flight because of it. That statistic wasn’t available.
There are several hotels in the terminal, one being the Yotel which you need to book for more than four hours, not per hour as one of the people I was with queried (again a very good idea). The airport signs point to bars, restaurants and McDonalds as though McDonalds is a totally different concept completely which I suppose it is. There’s a man sized McDonald clown sitting on one of the benches - supposed to look friendly but just looks sinister. Schiphol Airport is encouraging a healthy eating campaign so there’s more sushi and salad and juice bars than fast food outlets which is no bad thing especially in between flights. There’s a panoramic terrace where a Fokker 100 is pitched, as though it’s missed the runway and decided to take residence on the roof. Passengers are able to look inside the plane although this seems my idea of hell, going on a plane that’s going nowhere. But at least you know it’s going nowhere, you’re not just sitting there in the anticipation it’s going somewhere.
What else? There's a grand piano on the Holland Boulevard area which is set out like a large sitting room with comfy chairs and fake fireplaces. Any one can play but it's positioned dangerously close to a play area called the 'child's forest'. I am told children are allowed to have a go.
There's a museum showing some interesting and prestigious paintings from famous Dutch which will kill ten minutes. Clogs, cheese and tulips are on sale in most outlets and self check in areas and machines, of which the airport is very proud, as well as luggage check in machines which allow you to check in your own luggage, putting it into a capsule that looks like something out of Star Trek.
The best idea? The spa areas scattered around the airport are exceptional. There’s no more than a 10 minute waiting time but usually you are seen on demand mainly because in the airport it is quick in quick out and the spas are spotted everywhere. They should have these franchises in airports around the world. I had the best foot massage I've ever had there (go ask for Esther at the spa by the KLM Crown Lounge, it saves the feet when they've been walking round a terminal for hours. They also offer neck and shoulder massages but it’s the ideal option for airports – much better than Casinos and grand pianos.
The airport also has a very well stocked library some of which you can download onto your own iphone There's a mortuary if you or a travelling companion suddenly drops dead which I suppose would be useful if hopefully very unlikely. There's a vets, a place where you get injections if you need to (for exotic destinations) as well as a place where you can get married if you need to although I can't think why anyone would need to get married at an airport.
I admit at the end of my almost day at Schiphol airport I didn't care how environmentally friendly it was, what the statistics were, or how many awards it had won, I just wanted to get on my flight and go home. And that's the point. If I had to chose between flying from an airport like this one or from Gatwick I would choose Schiphol every time, but I don't have that choice. Airports have a monopoly on your time, your patience and your money and they continue to be the black hole in the travel experience. Even the best ones.
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