LUMBERJACKS ARE SOOOO OK

Check out http://www.cirquealfonse.com.   Currently on at the South Bank Centre (which is in the midst of it's 'festival of neighbourhood'), it's a circus that only Quebec could produce.  A family (70 something grandfather and two year old grandchild both 'perform') production it celebrates music, dance (from clogs to ballet) a fascinating cornucopia of eccentricity.  Five minutes into the performance the audience not only enjoyed the performance, they cared about the performers.  There's only about nine performers, and at the start I thought they were each going to specialise in singing, dancing, juggling, axe throwing, acrobatics, but no, they each do everything and do it well.       They sing beautiful wistful songs, juggle axes, saws, (I admit I couldn't watch that bit),  balance on bits of wood, swing from the ceiling, perform visual comedy that is inspired and wonderfully eccentric.    This show, which is on a European tour, promotes Quebec's rather than Canada'a  culture.  Quebec culture is distinct from it's neighbouring provinces - quirky clever as the others are but this is completely over the cliff imagination.    The male performers (all with beards) are incredibly strong, but also incredible flexible. The girls strong, flexible and feisty hold their own. And the man at the end of the production is literally left holding the baby.     Think of the English rugby team being able to do any position in yoga or the splits and you've got an idea of what these guys are like.   Forget Monty Python, in Quebec, lumberjacks are definitely OK.

I WISH I COULD FLY

I wish I could fly. Given the choice of being invisible and being able to fly, I'd go for flying every time.  I don't like the idea of timetables, schedules, compartments, one way systems and traffic lights.  I don't like terminals, stations, anywhere there is a sense of waiting to go and not knowing if you're actually going to go when you're supposed to and I'm not sure travel systems are there to facilitate or aggravate the customer.  Out of all the bits of travel I don't like it is airports that I dislike the most. 


Airports seem to have the most systems, terminals, compartments, schedules, extortionate parking facilities and traffic systems designed to aggravate the customer, or this customer.  They are glorified waiting rooms, some of which are glamorous, designed to make you spend money you don't have on things you don't want for people you don't like.    

The TV series Come Fly With Me probably comes closer to the truth of airport life than Airport or any of those fly on the wall programmes do.  An Ecuadorian Embassy must be civilized compared to the Moscow airport where, alleged spy Edward Snowden is currently in residence. He must be suffering from depression having spent nearly two weeks in one.     Being able to see the outside world, knowing that he's stuck there, not knowing when he's due to leave must be a miserable experience - and I guarantee this Summer there will be a lot of you out there who will be doing exactly the same thing at airports around the world because of air traffic control - or lack of it.  

So I surprised myself when I accepted an invite to spend a day at an airport albeit one that has been given numerous awards for being the 'best in Europe'.  It’s not in the UK of course – it’s Schiphol in Amsterdam. I would never willingly and knowingly spend any more time than I would sanely need to in an airport but this airport is the most environmentally friendly airport in the world, and with over 51 million people walk through it's terminals every year, six runways, and numerous other statistics about how many miniature windmills, clogs and tulips are sold every day it looks good on paper.   And it is now offering guided tours from 15 euros for adults, 7.50 euros for children, so you can see behind the scenes for yourself.  The multimedia tour takes you to the fire station, the snow fleet, the airplane hangers and for plane spotters and five to nine year olds it’s the ideal birthday present.  

I flew from Heathrow Terminal Four on the 6.30am with the business types who sit in quiet contemplation, despite the relative civility of business and first class, looking jaded by the experience.    The traffic on the M4 was rubbish so I ended up in Short Term car park, the best way to burn money needlessly. I got lost in the lift as there were no signs saying which level was departures (it’s four).   My flight left on time.  Travel insurance doesn’t cover things like getting lost in lifts. 

 A 45 minute flight from London Heathrow to Schiphol, the airport deals with mainly transfers to long haul destinations and having spent the day there as a transfer airport, this place fits purpose beautifully.    It’s been proven that a short haul journey followed by a long one is preferable to having two middling journeys. Ideally, one long journey is preferable to both, but if you’ve got to have a break, it’s an excellent airport to choose – if you have that choice.

So what does the ‘best’ offer that makes it different from the rest?   Loads of space and light that compares well to Stansted, families are well catered for though most of the airport’s business is business.   It has a baby care room which reminds me of one of those up market romantic restaurants where all the tables are set behind semi transclucent silk curtains and very well maintained play areas, although I find it odd the airports around the world offering the best facilities for children, have the least need for them.

There's a large lounge area with a large screen and very comfortable reclining chairs reminding me of that room in the film Soylent Green, set in the future where everyone goes to a room and looks at a screen of beautiful scenes with tinky tinky music before they are sent off to die. Perhaps they need to change that bit, at least for the ones who have seen that particular film.

Other unusual or quirky facilities that differ from the norm?   There’s a casino which has a clock and sign showing departure times so you don’t lose your flight as quickly as you lose your money.  Perhaps they should make that exclusive entry to business people who work in the financial sector and lose the clock.  

There is a deep sleep area in the KLM Crown Lounge which consists of a series of about twenty cubicles with a simple reclining couch set in near darkness. I initially thought it said ‘deep heat’ across between sauna, steam room and treatment for aching limbs.  That room would be useful.    I was advised passengers choose to sleep here if they are in between transfers or have decided to turn up a few hours early, or their flight has been delayed.    You need an alarm. You will miss your flight if you enter this room although I was not provided with the number of passengers who had missed their flight because of it. That statistic wasn’t available.   

There are several hotels in the terminal, one being the Yotel which you need to book for more than four hours, not per hour as one of the people I was with queried (again a very good idea).   The airport signs point to bars, restaurants and McDonalds as though McDonalds is a totally different concept completely which I suppose it is. There’s a man sized McDonald clown sitting on one of the benches - supposed to look friendly but just looks sinister.   Schiphol Airport is encouraging a healthy eating campaign so there’s more sushi and salad and juice bars than fast food outlets which is no bad thing especially in between flights.   There’s a panoramic terrace where a Fokker 100 is pitched, as though it’s missed the runway and decided to take residence on the roof.   Passengers are able to look inside the plane although this seems my idea of hell, going on a plane that’s going nowhere.  But at least you know it’s going nowhere, you’re not just sitting there in the anticipation it’s going somewhere.

What else?   There's a grand piano on the Holland Boulevard area which is set out like a large sitting room with comfy chairs and fake fireplaces.  Any one can play but it's positioned dangerously close to a play area called the 'child's forest'.   I am told children are allowed to have a go.

There's a museum showing some interesting and prestigious paintings from famous Dutch which will kill ten minutes.   Clogs, cheese and tulips are on sale in most outlets and self check in areas and machines, of which the airport is very proud, as well as luggage check in machines which allow you to check in your own luggage, putting it into a capsule that looks like something out of Star Trek.

The best idea?   The spa areas scattered around the airport are exceptional.  There’s no more than a 10 minute waiting time but usually you are seen on demand mainly because in the airport it is quick in quick out and the spas are spotted everywhere.    They should have these franchises in airports around the world.   I had the best foot massage I've ever had there (go ask for Esther at the spa by the KLM Crown Lounge, it saves the feet when they've been walking round a terminal for hours.   They also offer neck and shoulder massages but it’s the ideal option for airports – much better than Casinos and grand pianos.  

The airport also has a very well stocked library some of which you can download onto your own iphone   There's a mortuary if you or a travelling companion suddenly drops dead which I suppose would be useful if hopefully very unlikely. There's a vets, a place where you get injections if you need to (for exotic destinations) as well as a place where you can get married if you need to although I can't think why anyone would need to get married at an airport.

I admit at the end of my almost day at Schiphol airport I didn't care how environmentally friendly it was, what the statistics were, or how many awards it had won, I just wanted to get on my flight and go home.    And that's the point.   If I had to chose between flying from an airport like this one or from Gatwick I would choose Schiphol every time, but I don't have that choice.    Airports have a monopoly on your time, your patience and your money and they continue to be the black hole in the travel experience. Even the best ones. 

YEAHHHHHH I'VE PASSED - and a day out in the country...

ROLLER COASTER or what. I received an email saying I've passed my yoga exam.   I am so happy I squeaked when I read the email. Know I've still got a long way to go but it's a step in the right direction and it was a big one (for me).

What else I do today?  I've been at the Hampton Court Flower Show today. The traffic was appalling, but the parking was easy.  The Country Living tent I find intimidating and a bit depressing.  The women owning their own businesses and setting up their stands today all smelt fragrant, looked thoroughly well bred, fine high cheek boned emaciation or English rose hamster cheek features, but their steely blue eyes and thin mouths suggested they are as hard as the proverbial nails and I wouldn't want any of them as friends let alone enemies.   The men all look wonderfully weathered like fine garden furniture although slightly embittered as though they're married to the fine high cheek boned types and haven't had sex for ages - well not with their wives anyway. It's therefore very reassuring to know I'm not a Country Living type, do not want to live my life in linen, alpaca or cashmere throws nor fill my home with £10 scented candles or bits of stick stuck in perfume, nor fill my cupboards with chutneys of every reincarnation, consistency and colour imaginable.  Superficial expensive nonsense filling empty lives - that's probably why I found it depressing.     As I wandered round they did glance at me and we both instantly recognised I do not belong. Thank fuck for that.  

Out of Country Living, a jug of Pimms selling for £22, sandwiches at £6, and no one would tell me what they were charging for a strawberry. Some guy was dressed as Santa Claus, two others as very large birds of paradise (the plant not the bird) and there was a famous chef (didn't recognise him) telling about fifteen housewife types (dressed in linen smelling of scented candle) how to understand a pig.   Yup, they were his words.

There was a stand showing you how you can breed and keep chickens, grow your own herb garden and I met a moustached guy I'd chatted to in Chelsea Flower Show. Deborah Meaden was there again speaking very loudly into her mobile phone, wearing something floral again.  There was a list of celebrities who attended or will attend. Kate Humble was speaking.  All the names on the list were the same names at the Chelsea Flower Show.   They probably have a rose named after them.

Felt desperately sorry for the guy at the Chocolate Fusion stand (handmade in Wales www.chocolate-fusion.com)  as all his truffles were melting and he was giving them away for free.    He wouldn't charge. If you go, go buy his chocolate. He's on the same tent where the guy is asking you to understand pigs.   There was also a stand selling curries in the corner which if it had been a normal English summer would have been perfect but the guy was very sweet and told me 'my mum makes them all'   www.panjaban.co.uk

Korean stand has fans to give away (you are going to need them!), Spanish stand gives free compasses so you can literally get your bearings...and you can see the butterfly garden which is phenomenal but I had to fly off myself as I had a deadline to meet. This isn't Chelsea Wives, it's suburban housewives.  Frustrated suburban housewives. Match.com should have a stand there.....

Namaste!  

THAT BLOKE QUNZI...

On our day at Wimbledon last week we saw a game between a S Butler and G Quinzi.   Little did we know Quinzi would win the boy's championship.  (SEE WOMBLING AT WIMBLEDON BLOG).   Still think S Butler was good....

JOURNEY AND DESTINATION

Two days in a yoga studio hopefully this time confirming my place as a yoga teacher.   I have back bended more over the past two weeks than I've done in certain relationships.   I still don't know if I have passed.  Yoga is all about the journey, you are always learning, always gaining knowledge, always on the journey.  Yup, as a travel journalist I get that, but I've worked so hard on this I want to arrive. Bit like having sex without coming.

Talking about having sex without coming, my ex texted me to let me know he had left his job without having another one to go to. I'm sure there's someone to go to, if not something to go to, but it did make me smile as he thought I would be interested.   He disliked the people he worked with with an intensity that spanned the days he was there, working out how he would leave on the day he was hired.    Sort of arriving at the destination even before you've been on the journey...

HOT WEEKEND

while everyone is sunning themselves, either getting burnt watching the Stones and getting as prune-like as the super stars themselves, I will be trying (again) to pass my yoga.   I have been back bending and forward bending and learning what my  tensor facae latae (I think) and rectus abdominus, and upper lower and middle trapezius and psoas, pectinius, sartorious,  and rectus femurs, and infraspinatus and teres minor muscles do.  I will probably forget the whole lot and have some vague recollection of what the quads, hamstrings, biceps, triceps and deltoids do but I have tried.   I was at yotopia today with my friend Paula practicing.   Covent Garden is very different to how I remember it. Very trendy with courtyards, it was always a bit sawdust. Not talking horse and cart, but when the Pineapple studio opened and I would travel from deepest Essex on Saturday mornings to do a dance class with a teacher called Chris who was a better mover than anything on Strictly Come Dancing.   There were loads of beautiful people and tourists - not necessarily the same thing.   Wish I could have stayed longer.   perhaps next week..

GROWN UP ON A SCHOOL NIGHT

Ivy Club for cocktails, then onto the House of Peroni where lots of beautiful Italians and ad creatives talked off the record. Tom on outward bound and I was a grown up on a school night.   Thank you Claire. xxxx

Just woken up by someone banging on my bedroom window. Screamed top of voice as last thing watched last night was Paranormal 4.    Also now realise three cocktails and a beer for me is a lot. And that walking back to the house, I bought two vegetable samosas, a tin of lentil and veg soup and ate them at midnight watching Paranormal 4 and a bit of Sex and the City.   I do not like samosas.   It could have been worse. Could have been a kebab.  Or better, one of those beautiful Italians. :)