I am pleased I do not commute. It is a horrible invention and a false economy. All the good and wondrous benefits of a suburban lifestyle are lost on those hours in and out of work, where the energy is so dense with malaise it suffocates those standing on the trains and tubes and probably buses. What a miserable lot. Come to yoga, it will do you good. It is not the cure of all evils, but it deals with some. Or even better find a job locally.
As my search for outer beauty continues and I detect some of the wrinkles are disappearing under the layers of creams and potions and facemasks (Diamond Blend v vvv good - the best so far), I've been focusing on the inner beauty which I still resolutely believe not only matters more than external beauty, but has a significant and longer lasting impact on the outer.
I am trying everything from Beetroot juice and Matcha tea (not at once) which detoxes and gives you a kick at the same time. It works and beats coffee and diet coke for focus and concentration. I've also been continuing with the prebiotic 'miracle' powder (Bimonu) which cultivates good gut bacteria in the stomach as opposed to probiotics (Yoghurt drinks and various supplements), and I've got a thing for kale and spinach at the moment, preferably in a smoothie which I get from Wholefoods on the way back from yoga. So physically I feel good.
Emotionally, I am a bit like a mushroom at the moment. There's an awful lot of shit being poured on top of me but I'm trying to turn it into good use - manure and not stick my head out too far, remembering that proverb about a mouse that does and gets picked up and eaten by a bird. Or something like that. Anyway, basically the proverb suggested you should keep your head down when shit's being poured on top of you, because you can turn it to good later.
But occasionally I come up for air and on this occasion I commuted from Richmond to Oakwood (Piccadilly line) which I didn't know existed but it's the stop before Cockfosters. I met a man called Jeff Levin who is a master healer, and developer of something called Life Alignment. Basically, it's putting your emotional, mental, spiritual, physical life in order, in balance and finding out what is destabilizing you - that you may not consciously be aware of. It is fascinating. Using kiesiology which is magic (the body tells you what is wrong with you), and then asking your body questions -not out loud, almost telepathically, bit by bit you align yourself - or that part of yourself that most needs attention. You can't do it all at once, but layer by layer, you'll unwind, untwist, unravel.
Of course I went in there thinking, I'm fine, I do yoga, I teach yoga, I'm perfectly aligned. I'm strong. I'm sorted. Wrong. So wrong. It started fine. I didn't want to give anything away about myself, although to be fair, read my novels, and blog and you get an idea, sort of, what Ms Tucker is like. I intellectualise everything. It's safe and anaemic and superficial. But Life Alignment therapy cuts through that completely. Like a lazer - and it is like a lazer - it detects the lies you tell yourself.
There were issues with structure, and heart chakra, and liver and digestive system. My flight or fight was working overtime, my defence mechanism was on full. The words 'refuse/refused' and 'threaten' threatening' came up as well, as though I was doing both. Putting up barriers, actually walls, not barriers, great big Eastern Block walls. Monolithic of Biblical proportion walls. And then without saying anything Levin mentioned dates - 2000 - which wasn't the worst year but led up to the worst year, and a feeling that I'm going through exactly the same lessons again. And then a spirit guide came to me which upset me. No one living but someone I'd been told about before. And held me - which was also upsetting - by the arms, as though telling me to stand up on my own two feet. I wanted them to support me, but they didn't, they just held me by the arms and held me up straight, occasionally going behind me and lifting me up when I felt I was going to collapse. I wanted to curl up into a ball on the floor and snuggle up or put my arms around this spirit but he (and it was a he) was there to make me stand up straight on my two feet and know that they wouldn't let me go.
With this therapy you cry a lot. Men will cry more than women. Boy, do English men need to cry. Jeff Levin works around the world and he says Italian men cry the most, English women the most.
I watched that TV show on the boys boarding school Radley this week and what emotional cripples boarding school - or that boarding school - makes of men. Fear of being vulnerable because it will be exploited leads to monumental emotional imbalances, not only for these men but those they come into contact with them. They probably use money and sex to create fear and imbalance in others or end up with women who are as aloof and cold as they are, who use money and sex to recreate the fear and imbalance these men knew at school.
Jeff Levin describes himself as a facilitator, not a guru or a magician, not even a healer, but he certainly taps into truths about yourself that you won't or can't. Buy some time and space with this man or give a gift of his time to someone you love for Christmas. It's life changing and I wouldn't recommend it if I didn't think it would do good. But you've got to be brave. email@example.com. In London 23 - 24th November. East Sussex 15 - 17th November. Book on 02035518790. You won't regret it.